HandiSpaces

   I’m handi-capable. I’m not PC. Therefore breathe deep in knowing I won’t blast off about my struggles and triumph. This isn’t a 30 for 30 puff piece. What I will do is try to figure out the fine line between acceptable and rude  with regard to my disability. Today’s topic: HandiSpaces a.k.a the handicap spot/space. For those disabled it’s either something of a necessity or the ability to get ahead in at least one aspect of life. Now, in terms of degree of disability I’m somewhere between the fat middle aged fuck who fools the DMV and someone who has the pass but maybe shouldn’t drive. Therefore, when I know I’m only competing with people with asthma or a rocky road condition I don’t feel bad. For those like me or have the temp placard here are the areas I suggest using or not.

Work: I made the mistake of taking advantage of this sole spot for the first 6 months I had the placard. The worst bit is that it was in front of a vein and something else clinic. Either way, pretty douchie. I’m perfectly capable of walking an extra 50 feet. So if you can too, don’t be that asshole. Those with recently acquired placards get drunk on the power of it. I know.

Supermarket/ Mall:  A quick rule of thumb here is how much shit are you getting and how busy is it? If I’m buying groceries for the first time in a month and it’s busy I may try to get my sweet spot out front as it’s already taken an hour of awkwardly reaching for and pulling stuff off shelves. I deserve a break right? Target has like 4000 HandiSpaces so the worry there is not needed. My only moral dilemma arises at the mall. Some old fart may need the spot in front of  Nordstrom’s and you park your truck in the only spot for miles. Whoopsies! However, I do so more out of principle when one of these rare puppies pop open. I can’t stand the thought of some shithead who had a fender bender 8 years ago and only medical condition is an oxy addiction also siphoning disability takes the spot over me, old fart, or wheel chair-er. F you dude. I’m a hypocrite here I know since I can walk and stuff but at least I’m disabled.

Sporting Events/ Concerts/ any big event: Take it. Take it. Take it. There’s always plenty of spots and you get to find better seats and drink faster. Let a DD use it with you so you can get plastered and stumble the short distance to your car. Plus, you’ll know where it is! I have no shame with this one. I cant throw a football but bet your sweet ass I’ll take the closest spot to Lane Stadium to watch someone else do so. 

Wherever Fat People Go: biggest culprit here are the middle aged and black people from what I’ve seen. Being an observation don’t get your panties in a wad, I’m a minority too. I think by taking these spots I’m a superhero for battling obesity. I take your spot and you walk 10 more feet to a motorized shopping cart. You can thank me later. These people also piss me off so I don’t care. No, I’m not sorry I took the spot at Dairy Queen and yes this ice cream is delicious, enjoy the line. 

Downtown: Believe me, you would want me to have this one. Otherwise I’m spending the next ten minutes parallel parking and possibly climbing curbs to do so. Being that it’s Richmond and everyone has bumper scuffs I’m sure you wouldn’t mind more as well. This area is where I also find the most need for more. Have you seen anyone in a wheelchair in the Slip? It’s because they can’t park anywhere besides in front of Sine. Good luck wheeling up the cobblestones to Tobacco Co, at least the ride down will be a breeze. Nonetheless if one is open I will most likely leave it open in case another does need it more. 

What it really boils down to is how lazy do you choose to be. I’m glad I have a placard and have used it to get ahead sometimes but in general I try to be respectful. If one should grace your presence for whatever period of time, enjoy, but don’t be that dick. People are watching you.